Adventures in Obduracy

From time to time, I’m asked from prospective or fledgeling sex workers for some pointers. It happened again today, and it seemed like a good time to blog about it. You may have noticed I’m a shit blogger. If I can say it in 140 characters or less, I’ll tweet it. If I can’t… I convince myself that it isn’t that interesting. Sorry about the long lapse, but this is more than 140 characters, and, yeah, okay, it’s useful. So, here goes. For entertainment purposes only. Bulleted for your pleasure.

• See if there are any review boards in your area. The Erotic Review (http://www.theeroticreview.com/)  is national, but there are usually better local boards to be uncovered in urban areas. It’s the cheapest way to advertise, and plugs you in to the community, not just of clients, but also other sex workers. You will need them. Get established on Preferred 411 (https://www.preferred411.com/index.cfm) and Date Check (http://www.date-check.com). They are more vital in some cities than in others, but they offer another screening option, and help legitimize you as you establish yourself. Stay off Backpage for right now, until you’re a little savvier about screening carefully, and wait to shell out the big dollahs for Eros until you get your feet wet, and definitely until you have some really great professional photos. Start with the boards. Most areas have more than one board, so if the first one you find is gross, with spread pussy shots all over the place, keep looking. Those are not kind boards, and they will make you doubt yourself and burn you out fast.
• DON’T POST YET! Get a feel for the community first. Find the more respectable girls. Read the reviews. Find out what makes an experience a good one for the client. Once you’ve gotten a REALLY good sense of the community, you can post a “Hi! I’m new here!” thread and start advertising.
• Figure out your brand. Don’t pop up saying “Hi! I’m 22, a single mom, and I love indie rock!” This isn’t about YOU. This is about creating a fantasy. Are you the late night party girl? The well-read sophisticate? The cute girl next door? The spunky college student? Once opinions of you have been formed, changing them will be hard. Find an archetype you can easily pull off, and don’t post too much about your real life. Nothing about kids, boyfriends, or any interpersonal drama, ever. And I mean NEVEReverevereverever with a cherry on top. Ever. Good? Good.
• Invest in professional photos. It’s a few hundred bucks, yeah, but they will pay for themselves and then some. Just bite the bullet and do it as soon as you can. There are always a few photographers advertising their services on every review board, but if none of them have the look you’re going for, check out One Model Place for photogs in your area. Some escorts, like Jenny DeMilo in LA, do photography on the side, and often have a very good eye and know what it’s like to be shot nude, or scantily clad. If a photographer is a dick to you, or makes you feel bad about yourself, don’t ever use them again. And realize for every fifty shots you might get a single good one. Don’t be discouraged. You are not that fat, you don’t really look like you have Bell’s Palsy, and you are not constantly mid-blink. I promise.
• Avoid trades for at least six months. Don’t trade sex for photos, work on your car, a new laptop, or anything else right off the bat, and don’t ask anyone to pay in advance for sessions. You want to avoid looking desperate, not just because it’s bad for business, but also because people will try to take advantage of you if they think you’re hard up. After you have a good reputation and a good cash flow, you can make your own decision on trades. I’m typing this blog on a laptop I traded a massage for last week, so I’m not totally against it, just wait until you’re established.
• SCREEN!  This is the single most important part of your job, and will help keep you from getting murderized, raped, or arrested.You’re new. So the best thing you can do is ask for two provider references, and then check them. This will help create rapport with other girls in your area. Make sure you say thank you when the ladies reply, and if anyone asks you for a reference, reply to it as quickly as you possibly can. If a guy’s references seem kinda sketch, tell him that you don’t know those girls well, and ask for additional references. Don’t be afraid to turn away business if FOR ANY REASON you get a bad vibe, a gut feeling that says something is wrong, or if their references don’t come through in time. Fighting prostitution charges will cost more than the money you make on an appointment, and it’s no use making money if you’re too dead, traumatized, or hospitalized to spend it. There are a few people out there who hurt people like us. Make it a point to never meet them.
• No matter what he says, don’t let him talk you into doing anything you don’t want to do. This includes skipping the condom for fucking. Personally, if I’m pressured, I always say “If you keep making me say no, I’m going to forget how to say yes to blowjobs. And then we will both be sad!” Whatever keeps it light, but your boundaries firm. Also, I don’t care what he says, don’t hang out with him for free. This will earn you the contempt of your fellow hookers, and waste a lot of your time. If he can see you for free, he will. Don’t let him.
• Surprise! He’s probably not just there for the sex. Listen to him. Get him to talk about himself, and what he likes in or out of the bedroom. Just don’t ask about or criticize his wife. Find something you like about him. Anything. Say the nicest TRUE thing you can. He smells good? Great shoes? Great kisser? Gentle touch? Go with that. Don’t insult him with false compliments, and try to connect with him as if you were on a real date with someone you like.
• Don’t worry about expensive hair, nails, tanning, blah blah blah just yet. Get a couple of nice little lingerie outfits–Ross is great for that–and wait til you’re solid on your feet before spending 100 bones on stockings or 200 on highlights. Look good, but also realize that there’s a difference between what a girl thinks is ubersexy, and what a guy thinks is ubersexy.
• If you can help it, don’t work out of your home. You’re new, and you don’t want to worry about possible stalkers, or people knowing too much about you. Also, if you have kids, they won’t be taken away because you’re an escort, but they WILL be if you get caught hooking where they live. Check out Hotwire or Priceline’s Name Your Own Price feature for the best deals on four star hotels, and keep an eye out for ladies looking to share an incall, because honestly, working out of hotels is risky.
• When you are getting started, and are probably using hotels, see no more than 2-3 clients a day. Otherwise, you will draw attention to yourself. At check in, bring a suitcase, even if you don’t need one. If the front desk asks, say that your landlord is having your apartment sprayed for bugs. Don’t dress sexily for checking in. Wear jeans or a suit. And don’t be a pain in the ass. Don’t make the hotel people hate you, because they can take you down if they suspect you and really want to.

That’s it for now. It’s not exhaustive, but it’s a good start. Check out The Internet Escort’s Handbook for a ton of useful information, too. And a few extra pointers? If you have a smartphone, you can get the Google Voice app to take business calls on a separate line without having to carry an extra phone. Plus, hey–it’s free, and not attached to your real name! There is also an app called Square that will let you take credit cards, which is a nice bonus, especially if someone starts running out of time before they’re ready. Just ask them if they’d like to extend the appointment for another hour, and hit their plastic for it right there. No awkward ATM runs. Crown condoms, along with Kimono and Beyond Sevens, are awesome. Love them. Always bring your own. ALWAYS. And finally, although it’s embarrassing to admit it, the George brand black lace top thigh-highs they sell at WalMart will not run, even if you get fucked doggy style on Astroturf. I buy those fuckers in bulk.

So that’s it. Have fun. Be safe. Network with other girls. And stay tuned in to yourself. If you’re not happy, it’s not worth it.

Bored of introspection related to courtship. Secret lovers are easy to blog about, because one must never speak of them to anyone. The internet cannot keep a secret, but there are so many secrets it’s not keeping that you can’t hear the whispers for the roar.

Anyway. I even bore myself with my pheromonal fixations.

So last night, I was available until 9, and Mr. X was available after 9. This is common of our timing, so our rendezvous last evening was aborted. I know it is wrong, and involves many assumptions on my part, but I am nevertheless hit with a twinge of smug satisfaction when our schedules don’t quite align. Not because we can’t see each other, but because when stars don’t align, it is usually because I want to do something else, and he has to do something else. I want to see a client, make money, be someone else for an hour or two, and he has to go home to a wife he doesn’t think very highly of.

My ort of happiness is beyond inappropriate, but it is a tiny little morsel of validation nonetheless, and it’s impersonal to Mr. X. I could be married right now. I could come home and make dinner and say “hey, honey, how was your day,” and snuggle up in bed without anything else to say, wishing I could get up and do something else. It’s easy to feel like that would have been the more responsible choice. I see a lot of unhappily married people, though. People who everyone else would say love their wives. People who seem happy on the outside. But I know better.

Enter The Vegans.  The thing I had to do last night at nine was host my third threesome with The Vegans. They drive in to see me. High school sweethearts, they clearly adore each other, love sex, and are adventurous. They have a couple of kids, some hobbies, and are sexy indie rocker types, in their mid-thirties. And I love them. They are the picture of what marriage can be: a healthy, hot, and sexually satisfied couple who don’t need to own each other to love each other.

And then, of course, I’m jealous. Fickle, I am.