Why I hate cunnilingus.

I recline–for the third time today–against a duvet which is nearly the color my skin used to be, but that was before I started taking this seriously. Enveloped in my hungry and sincere embrace is my lover d’heure, perhaps forty-five, not bad looking, and he grunts in excitement as his hands fumble at my garters. He has not bothered to remove his wedding ring, and I cannot for the life of me recall his name.

I never sleep in this bed, save for the rare occasions that find me the overnight hostess to a paying guest. Perhaps some courtesans are more in the habit of entertaining overnight, but only a favorite client can coax me into twelve or more hours of companionship. This client–god, damn it! What was his name? Bob? Mark? Joe? Anyway, the one with his face between my thighs–is my guest for the next two hours. I throw my head back in mock rapture, arching my back to conceal my face as I surreptitiously glance at the clock. One hour and five minutes left. I have plenty of time, and I settle back into fantasy as I tug at his hair.

Like most escorts I know, my feelings on cunnilingus range from indifference to loathing. And, like 95% of my clients, Bob/Mark/Joe is a lover whose motives lean less toward pleasing me or himself, and more toward a desperate, exhausting craving for validation. He goes down on me because, he thinks, I will love it. And if I love it, it must mean that he is a good lover–a great lover even!–the kind of lover I would want to have in my regular life if only circumstances had been different. He laps at me without skill, his eager tongue exerting the kind of manic effort I remember putting into my culinary creations as a child. Look mom! I made you some eggs! With seventy four different kinds of spices! They’re GOURMET!

Bob/Mark/Joe looks up at me, mouth full of pussy and hope, trying to find evidence of a religious experience behind my eyes. I stroke his forehead gently. Slowly. Not too hard. Oh, god, yessss. Just like that. I rock my hips into him, encouraging rhythm, and think of hotter sex to steer myself towards the climax he needs from me. It is counter-intuitive to think of loathing something that can make you come, but, then, I don’t like my ex-husband, either.

I moan, and scream, and thrash, and my orgasm is real. Bob/Mark/Joe wipes his face with the back of his hand, and grins at my pleasure as though he invented the concept. He wants my approval, my commendations, he wants a cookie for his efforts, and I give it. I don’t tell him that bodily pleasure is not the same as earth-shaking pleasure. I don’t tell him that I can come with a vibrator and not miss a beat on my crossword. I don’t tell him that he has failed utterly at engaging my mind, in discarding his ego to discover a deeper level of erotic, or at the most basic act of asking what turns me on. It is the first time we have met, so I say none of these things. Instead, knowing that he has satisfied his ego, knowing that he will now fuck me the way that makes his body scream, I can move forward to the part that I crave. I pinch a slip of latex between my lips, and slide my mouth all the way down to his pelvis.

14 thoughts on “Why I hate cunnilingus.

    1. It’s not a story… it’s really my experience of the non-intimacy of cunnilingus. I wish it was like it is when I go down on a woman, where I want to devour her completely, and cannot get enough… but it isn’t like that for sex workers receiving from clients. It is purely to satisfy his desire to feel like a good lover, whether he is one or not.

      1. So can I ask if you’ve ever had a client who actually was a good lover, and gave cunnilingus well?

        Or is cunnilingus one of those things that you can only really enjoy from somebody you know and have an emotional connection with?

      2. Every once in a while I can get into it, but by and large, I like my attention to be on my lover. Orgasms are incidental… something I can achieve myself, and not really the best part of lovemaking to me. In my personal relationships I just request we skip it altogether, because I get so exasperated by it at work.

  1. This made me laugh out loud: Look mom! I made you some eggs! With seventy four different kinds of spices! They’re GOURMET!

    I had a guy once, who was so bad at it I couldn’t even fantasise myself to finish. He thought he was great in bed, I beg to differ.

  2. wonderful to read. You truly have captured the head space.
    Cunnilingus can be so wonderful and yet so bad. I absolutely loath the sloppy ones.. so hard to get turned on when you know and can feel some guys saliva dripping between your ass cheeks.

    Keep up the great work – look forward to reading much more

  3. Well I am sure some guys have purer motives than self ego boosting. I go down on a woman (working lady or not) not to get some sort of validation but because I enjoy it. Some women just taste so devine. Others taste like they haven’t showered for a week and that usually results in a never again ruling from me.

    I like to think I can tell when a woman is genuinely not enjoying herself and putting it on for me. I find that a turn off. Working lady or not, I like to feel that she is pleasantly bored rather than faking enjoyment. Even better, if she takes the time to teach me what she likes, she will keep me coming back for more time and again!

  4. The enthusiam and skill of a child with their first cooking dish describes it exactly. So bored with cunnilingus like that. It’s not about me, it’s about earning a skippy badge. FAIL!

  5. Wow. Powerful stuff – particularly the final comments. It’s interesting that you prefer to go down on than have somebody go down on you. It’s a little sad, particularly for somebody like me who revels in the thought of eating pussy, solely for my own pleasure (although if the receiver of the cunnilingus gets off then it’s better for me).

    I was surprised there weren’t more “ah, then you’ve not had it done properly” comments after your remarks. Guess the male egos are in check. ;)

    Your comment about uncritiqued fellatio is also interesting. I suspect that most men are so grateful to have lips on their cock at all, that they wouldn’t consider criticising, so both parties get a raw deal. I’ve been there myself. It’s a crazy world we live in.

  6. This is an excellent article and one I now note with increased awareness.

    I’ve never assumed or pretended that I’m a good lover but I do enjoy the opportunity to perform cunnilingus. Just the delight in different labia and clitoris makes it all the more fascinating. I’m truly intrigued by the female form and it is my way of adoring it.

    However, what inenjoy most is engaging with the female brain. I enjoy interacting with a woman of intellect.

    Great post and I appreciate you sharing.

  7. I love you, this is what I think every time a guy goes down on me but have never been able to articulate, thanks.

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